Monday, September 5, 2016

Insecurities

Insecurity is something we may not notice but it's there in each and everyone of us. Sometimes it can be so huge that it drains out the energy in you. It can be anything from having acne to not being tall enough from the society's point of view or just being different from what most of us consider as normal.This is a post for all of us who have that 'How I wish I have better physical attributes' thought. Don't get me wrong,it's okay to feel like you want to better yourself,in fact it is brilliant but to be pull down by what the society thinks is normal and isolate yourself for just being a little bit unique is unacceptable. We have to admit we are living in the world where beauty or physical features have threshold and somehow most people assume that they need to achieve that level to feel normal. I, myself is (or should I say was) included in this .Guilty as charged!

I was so into thinking that I need to be fair, have flawless skin and thigh gap to feel beautiful. Now I want to throw stone at my old self for thinking that way. I put myself into various diets and restrictive eating habits to be skinnier, I spent thousands of ringgit for skincare to get that flawless model-look complexion.I did every single thing I can to achieve that feeling of being normal and accepted in the society.When I was in second year of medical school, I gained a bit of weight. I was a bit plump than I used to,mind you my previous weight before that was 40 kg so gaining a bit would put me into normal weight but I was so stressed about it. That was when my acne problem started as well. What a good combination just to draw me out of the society. When I said acne,it is not just one or two pimples. It's the real acne, the cystic painful one all over my cheeks making me feel like I had spotlights on my face that just drew the attention from people.I was at one point refusing to attend any event,just sat in my room looking in the mirror and googling what to do to lose weight and have a better skin.However,that is not the worst part. What added the salt to the wound was words from people,sometimes the close ones. They probably were just joking but it got through to the core. It hurt like crazy. It felt like you were standing at the edge of the cliff,struggling to balance yourself not to fall,hoping that someone would reach out to you and they just pushed you right to the bottom.These kind of insecurities are not healthy and that is why they need to go. We need to change the way we look at them. Don't let them lead you to that dark road of thinking any less of yourself just because of the glitches. Mind you, some people go into depression because of this!

If people leave you because of what they see as your physical imperfections,let them go! You don't need that kind of human being in your life. I was around people who were so indulged into physical perfection and it broke me.When people care more about that zits in your face than what you have in your soul,they are not for you. You can get better, but their attitudes or mentalities are maybe(everyone can change!) forever unless they go through some hardcore cleansing and brain washing!

When I planned to meet my husband the first time, I was so worried. My acne was improving but I still had a lot of bumps everywhere. I was trying to conceal everything that morning by putting a lot of make up on then I realised, I didn't want someone who're just attracted to me physically. Physical attractions are important in marriage, you can't be with someone you are not attracted to for the rest of your life but it also doesn't take a model-like features to make you attracted to someone. It can be as simple as I like his eyes,they're cute!I still put on my basic make up,but not the heavy one. From that time to the day we decided to get married and were planning for our big day, he never mentioned anything about my skin. I always warned him how bad my skin was (while still trying to get it sorted) and guess what he wrote to me when my girls and I were having fun celebrating the last few days of me being single? He said 'With our without make up, I will love you.With or without heels,I will still love you.With or without cancer,I will be forever in love with you'. He just wiped the scars out of me completely.That was when I realised how thankful I should be for people who walked out of my life giving way to this amazing guy to be in it. What I am getting at is, you maybe at a point where you are devastated because someone you really love just left,or you are simply hurt or just feeling hopeless about whatever insecurities you may have. All I want to say to you is hang on there,keep trying to better yourself and  you will see all the blessings behind this difficult phase unravel themselves soon insyaAllah.

To the people out there, telling people they are fat won't let you be any skinnier, telling people how bad they are won't make you any better, nitpicking and judging every single wrong doing people did won't make you a saint.Be kind,use a gentle approach. Yes you might have a good intention but that is not a good enough reason and in fact it should not be a reason to be harsh and hurt people. You never know how your words can affect other people especially when they are already vulnerable having so much in their plates. Be careful and think before you speak or now should I say think before you type?
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