Tuesday, January 27, 2015


i dont know but i just feel like i owe everyone an apology.if i ever hurt anyone directly or indirectly with whatever means i really really hope that you can forgive me.if i come across as someone really annoying in my writing or just simply did something that i should not,please forgive me. I will pray that Allah will reward you abundantly for being kind enough to forgive me

Sunday, January 18, 2015

the day i redefine LOVE


2 years.731 days 1 hour and 20 minutes. it's been that long since i started learning about LOVE in a way I would never have imagined. the day when i was brought into the operation theater with a possibility of not waking up again to see my loved ones. the day i let go of all my plans and trusted His.the day I told myself that if i was given another chance to see them again,to be able to breath again, I would do it differently.

it has been 2 years since that day and i keep on reminding myself there must be a reason why I am still living. there must be things Allah wants me to do. the moment i woke up from that 12 hours surgery, i was glad. when i saw my mom walked into that ICU room i was happy. i felt like hugging her and all i want to say was i am sorry. i am sorry that you have to go through this.i am so sorry i keep making you worry. but my mom,my family, my close friends.they taught me lessons i could never learn by myself. they taught me about LOVE. and from the moment onwards, i slowly redefine LOVE.

that time when i was so broken that i would understand if they could not hold me because i myself who should love me the most wasn't being able to do so.they held me anyways. so tight that all the pieces felt intact even though it's broken.they cried with me, they prayed for me, they held my hands till the very end when i was ready to let go. i wanted to let go so that they wont get hurt but they insisted. they taught me that in life, a lot of things can go wrong but love, real love will remain. i learned that not everyone can love me so i need to appreciate those who do. they taught me that hardship to love should be like a wind to the fire. it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great. so to the people i love or will love, please know that i may not be able to give you forever but within that limited time God is giving me, I would appreciate you like no other. because the best love story to learn from is not when it's told but when it's shown. my loved ones have taught me so much about love.

Alhamdulillah for them.Alhamdulillah for this second chance.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

the gift of imperfection

i bought this book yesterday and i cant wait to get it delivered to my doorstep. this year, i am trying to make few changes in my life and one of them is to appreciate my imperfections. for 2 years, i have been feeling low and it's about time to pick my confidence up and embrace my flaws.

life is not about trying to be perfect.or competing who is better than the other. for me if i could be better than my previous self,it's more than enough. sometimes, you cant control how your feeling works. it's hard to not let people's expectation gets to you.sometimes i feel like i do something because i am expected to do it. i'm scared of people judging me.

but i need to get things straight now. what matters most is Allah. His judgement is the most important. He is the one i need to please the most.

it's just me really. i dont think people ever look down on me after knowing about my situation.it's just me feeling disable about my whole situation. i feel like i should be in this alone. i feel like i'm going to hurt people if i let them hold my hands in this tough situation. i keep on thinking that i will do more harm than good if i let people into my life. i need to stop judging myself. i need to stop thinking that i have to be able to do everything on my own. i need to bear in mind that i am imperfect and i should not blame myself for being so because it's what human should be. only Allah is perfect.

i'll slowly pick myself up.
as what the writer said in her book

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

i'm looking forward to a better me.to a person who would let go of what she is supposed to be and just be who she really is. i wish to be comfortable in my own skin. i wish to be happy in every situation i have been put in. i wish to not regret any decision i made or will make. i wish to love like i've never been hurt.


Thursday, January 8, 2015

Dua request

Had my ct scan done today.if the result is stable then i will be off medication for 3months insyaAllah.please make a lot of dua for me.even if it's just a mere 3 months,i would be really happy to be off medications.it means 3 months of holiday from diarrhoea and feeling tired.it means i can get my black brow back.i stopped last march for 3 months and they restarted it because of some growth that has shrunk 3 months after restarting.so hopefully i'll get good news next week.even if it's just for couple of months.i will be happy and grateful.keep the dua coming.i hope Allah will repay your kindness.thank youu..thanksss.. lotsa loveeeee

Friday, January 2, 2015

of me and safiyya tv9

Assalamualaikum wbt

i just got back from my 7 days trip to Germany, Czech and Budapest. It was an amazing experience and alhamdulillah everything went smoothly. i reflected so much during the trip about how lucky i am. being able to still do things i enjoy despite the diagnosis i have. alhamdulillah.

so a week before the trip, tv 9 crews came to London to shoot for Hijabstailista and Safiyya. I knew them in 2012 when i was volunteering for mercy mission organizing twins of faith.we keep in touch from there and last march they were here for Hijabstailista. It was really amazing how Allah put this people in my life. we were a complete stranger 2 years ago and now i would have to say that they are my family. i love them and i will always pray for the best to happen to them. i spent one whole week with them discovering London. I had the chance to really bond with Kak Hajar and Kak Meera. my two lovely angels. they are more than just friend.they are like sisters to me. when i look into their eyes, i can see they genuinely care about me.i care about them tooo. i will always keep you guys in my prayers.well that's the only thing i can offer for the kindness i could never be able to repay.

so i was interviewed for safiyya tv under the inspiration slot. battling with cancer while struggling to get a medical degree. i know and i am completely aware that what i have been through probably not as big as others but if sharing this experience can benefit even just one person,i am more than happy..alhamdulillah. what i want to achieve is just to reveal how merciful Allah has been to me,helping me getting back up after my whole world collapsed upon the mentioning of stage 4 kidney cancer mets to lungs and bones diagnosis. as i mentioned before this, everything..every strength..every courage and determination to live my life to the fullest..it comes from Allah. His plan is indeed amazing. i just want all of you to know that acceptance(redha) does not mean that we have to be passive and just play the waiting game.acceptance means we have come to term with the fate destined and try our hardest to make the best out of it. for me, yes i have cancer. i have to take medication that gives me diarrhoea and discoloured hair and brow. i have got spots all over my face due to hormone imbalances caused by the medications. i have to be far from my family to get treatment. i might have to work here for the rest of my life because of the treatment. i can go on and list down every struggles i am facing but i choose not to.why?because i can still live.i can still go to class. i can still work iA after graduation. i do not have to go to hospital so often that i need to miss my class. the fact that i am still living is a huge blessing that even just thinking about it would wipe out all the negative side of the story. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah..but the biggest thing would be i am loved by my family and friends. i appreciate their existence. i am trying to get closer to them. i am more aware of Allah..of His help..of His love..

i shed some tears during the interview and to see that kak meera was tearing as well made me feel so blessed.She's totally unrelated to me 2 years ago.to see that my pain matters to her made me cry even more.kak meera is one of the most beautiful person inside out i have ever encountered. And yet she remains so humble.i'm amazed and impressed. I look up to her.i might not know all her struggles but i know that i want her to be happy..i'll always pray for her and her family too.may Allah reward them hugely..the love i have received from everyone since the day i was diagnosed, i dont know if i deserve it.i can only pray that Allah will reward you abundantly. i pray that Allah will protect you and grant you paradise.

i shared about two important things we could do when we are tested.Dua and tahajjud.the biggest weapons in surviving a test.trust me. when you do these two, you will find it easier to deal with anything. Dua is never for Allah.it is made for us.when we make dua we acknowledge the fact that we are nothing without Allah. when we make dua we slowly will realise that only Allah can change the situation. through these two you will discover the real purpose of life and you will iA be able to accept anything being thrown at you.

there are so much in this life that i should be thankful for.so i decided to not spend my precious time wailing about my diagnosis. i give myself chances every now and then to feel sad and cry but most of the time i'll just remind myself of all the blessings i have. i know now that it does not matter how much time you have left,what matters most is how you spend them. o Allah please guide me.let me meet you in the best state of iman i could possibly be. give your blessings to all these kind people in my life.they deserve it :)

 i dont know when the interview will be aired but hopefully it will be beneficial :)

InsyaAllah to more posts or opportunities to share about the love i got from Allah.the help.the blessings.everything. when we are tested, use it as a stepping stone to get closer to God. being tested, we are in the best position to make dua.Allah is listening. we have to know that Allah gives us problem not for us to solve it but for us to turn to Him and just ask for help.He's ready with the answer even before He gives us question. All we have to do is just ask.is it that difficult??