Wednesday, October 15, 2014

the future is not ours to see :)

this blog has been abandoned for quite some time..thanks to the busy life of a medical student i have for the past few weeks after a nice summer break with mum :)

alhamdulillah things are going well at the moment with my treatments.had my scan 2 weeks back and it's stable. as i move forward advancing to my last one and a half year of being a medical student, planning about the future scares me. the fact that i'll probably(high likely) need to stay here after graduation makes me a bit sad.after all these years being away from home then i finally really look forward to go back but i guess that's not going to happen anytime soon. firstly because of the treatment and secondly as much as i love malaysia i would have to admit that we are not quite advance in term of supporting people like me in our in the uk, they have this thing called less that full time (LTFT) scheme for those with special needs such as having to care for a child/sick parents or having an illness themselves. so these group of people can choose to work or be trained part may take longer to finish the training but it'll be less stressful and doable.i met a doctor who's doing this thing and she worked 3 days per week and no night or weekend shift which sounds reasonable for me. as healthy as i might look i dont think i could handle doctor's normal working hour in malaysia.

at the moment i feel fine but i think it's good to have an option like that in the future.i'll probably try and do the full time training first and see how it goes as i go along.the big question is how do i go back to malaysia?do i have to stay here for the rest of my life?
well as much as i wish that miracle would happen and someday i would find myself being completely in remission i do think that i need to be realistic here and plan my future for now what i could do is get trained here for 2 years and probably start doing locum after that.i would have to sacrifice my passion on becoming a consultant since doing locum will not allow me to progress to another level,i do think it's a fair option.atleast i could work for a few months and then get a break for a month and then the cycles's amazing how 5 years ago i was so keen on coming here and staying and now all i think about is trying to figure out options to let me atleast go back and be with my family once in every few months. hopefully things will work out fine for me.pleasee pray that Allah will ease everything for me and my family.

now coming to the questions i get a lot. when are you getting married. dudes i would love to but seriously i dont think anyone fits to be in this mess with that as i'm saving you from the messiness that i could foresee.some people came to me claiming that they can accept me but with lack of insight about the real situation.this is definitely a complicated situation and i go back and forth about handling this issue.let's just see how things go and take it from there.i mean i'm in no rush.i'm not gonna lie.seeing my close friends advance into the next chapter of their lives by getting married or having children,i do feel jealous. i do sometimes feel like me too need a shoulder to lean on.but if the shoulder is not strong enough and would leave me crashing on the floor had i lean on too hard then it's pointless isnt it?.because i sure know that there would be times that i will definitely lean on very hard.this way i'm saving my self from the hurt i know i could not handle...yet..

for now i am happy and grateful for whatever i have.thanks to everyone who has been praying for me. :)