Saturday, September 28, 2013

letter to my dearest

i went to the hospital today.i met the expected it was faster that in malaysia but the thing is in uk,it is a must for the doctor to discuss and make sure patient (me) understand the prognosis (what will be expected to happen in the future) based on the typical cases he's dealt with or based on experiences and knowledge.

i knew all along that my prognosis is not that good.i knew that renal cell carcinoma with bone mets is a serious problem and there has not been any cure found for this cancer.the drugs available are more likely to just put the disease on hold or slow down the progression.i read it all.i know it. but little did i know having a direct conversation about this is not as easy.

the doctor has to be true,he has to be honest.he was indeed very gentle and i am sure there's no other way of conveying the massage but it still hurt.

"well,i dont you think it's a good idea to be far away from your family at times like this?i mean when people know that their life expectancy is reduced they would want to spend it with the people they love.and you pursuing your dream,i am sorry but you must know that you might not be able to finish medical school.i am just making sure that you are completely aware of what your situation is very serious you see" i can see the doctor was trying so hard to make sure he says that in a manner that it will be less's something he needs to tell me as part of his work.this makes me think that being a doctor is not an easy have to do your job and you also have to keep your human side alive and balancing both are indeed not an easy task.

'i have discussed this with my family and they are supportive when i say i want to continue my study.i get what you mean but for now i think i'm doing the right thing.and if ever i feel that in the future i can no longer cope with this,i'll probably decide to go back to malaysia' i said very carefully.i can give him thousand reasons to justify my actions but it wont change anything so i just went with the simplest one.i dont know if i even made sense but whatever.i just need to atleast give some response to show that i understand what's happening.

I was in Malaysia for the past one year and I seriously dont think they take me seriously.medications are expensive,and i was left not knowing about the prognosis or the plan management for months.i was left without any monitoring.sadly yes it happened in my own country. i can spend days and nights if i want to complain about the healthcare in malaysia but i wont go that far. i am still grateful for whatever they had done to me but having the opportunity to be treated here in uk is not a bad idea afterall isnt it?

i might look like a selfish person.coming here wanting to pursue my dream while sacrificing the time i have left.choosing to be far away from the dearest people,it's not an easy decision.but what should i do.should i just be at home and wait for death to come to me?i dont think that's the right thing to do.i love my family.more than anyone could ever imagine.due to this overly love i feel for them,i dont want them to worry about be in trouble because of me.treatment cost in malaysia is too expensive.and me doing nothing in malaysia would be so depressing.i come here to atleast try my best to live my life to the fullest.distance to love is just a's like a wind to the fire,it extinguishes the small but kindles the even though we are far away it doesnt mean that i love them any less!

and the strongest factor that stand behind my decision is what my mother always taught me. acceptance and fate.!My mom always say this to me.when the time has come,everyone will will come to anyone,not just me so why worrying about it.just do your best,work hard for your deeds so that your hereafter will be great.we can do so much but in the end it depends on God so why not leave the worrying behind.just put your effort,keep on praying and have faith in Allah.  i overheard my mom's conversation with my dad once.they were saying about how they have to accept if anything were to happen to me.their level of acceptance amazes makes it easier for me to actually accept things myself so i am so grateful having them supporting me like that.

i will not give up.i will try and get the best treatment i could.i'll be positive and i'll have faith in Allah.and whatever comes after that,I'll just leave it all to Him.

and the fact that i am still able to live almost like a normal people,i am grateful.i consider this as a mercy from God not as the delay in symptoms as most medical professional will think of.

O Allah please protect my family.if anythg were to happen please give them the strength to accept it as what's the best plan You have for me.make it easier for all of us.


Thursday, September 26, 2013


assalamualaikum wbt

i am officially a 3rd year medical student. weeeehoooooooo! alhamdulillah..
I am so happy that I still have the chance to at least try and fulfill my dad's dream of seeing me to be a doctor insyaAllah. to be honest, that dream has slowly assimilated with my own so now i cant really say that it's only my father's wish to see me being a doctor. i want that too. somehow being at the receiving end really wake me up. I probably dont quite know how to define a good doctor but I am quite sure about what kind of doctor I dont want to be. I hope by the time I qualified, I will still remember this.

London is treating me well at the moment. I kinda love the fact that I am quite busy with my study that sometimes I sort of forget that I am ill.but one thing that I really wish and pray that I wont forget ever is the fact that Allah has been so generous and merciful towards me and I should never ever forget to be grateful everyday.

I might not have the kind of living everyone would envy of but seriously I think I am the luckiest girl on earth in my own opinion. Have you ever imagined how the life of a stage 4 cancer patient would be?and the fact that I could still carry on like this really make me feel glad.It's like God giving me the hardest test but somehow He also eases it for me. I have no idea how long I'll be this lucky but I do not want to think so much about the future. I'll try to be grateful and live my life according to what God has planned for me. It's not easy but somehow it's easier than worrying too much about what might happen in the future.

It's been a tough journey and yet it'll remain as the most memorable's what i gained from this is rather important.thank you so much to those who are always there when i need someone.thanks to my family for putting up with someone like me.sometimes i know it too that i could be the hardest person to love and yet i am loved by so many.that what makes me feel so grateful.


Thursday, September 12, 2013


alhamdulillah.i cant express how happy i am today.i can now officially join the medical school again.i am a 3rd year uolls..haha.the occupational health officer,the deans, everyone is so supportive and they assure me that they will try their best so that i will be able to finish this mbbs course without so much difficulty.

"we are here to support you,provide you with every means that we can so that you can continue your study..."

speechless! they are so nice and i am so grateful that God send me these kind people to help me get on with my life.

i am a bit scared to meet the GP here.not scared of the GP but i am scared that they might wanna put me on chemotherapy treatment!well,let's just hope they'll offer the best treatment for me.

thank you Allah for making everything so easy for me.thank you for always being there for me,days and night, whenever.. really! (: i'll do well insyaAllah.i'll study hard!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

my everything

Today i have to bid farewell to my everything!yes my family.i've been spending a year with them and it feels so weird leaving like this.that past year has been the toughest one yet the most beautiful year i have ever had.i'm loved by so many and their love makes everything that seems hard become i have to leave.i have to go and sort my life out.i'm glad for whatever that i went's hard but definitely worth opened my eyes to the blessings that i never noticed before.(this was written when i was transitting in the singapore airport)

i have been attending classes since yesterday eventhough i am not officially is the day,the important one when i have to go and meet the occupational health officer.and the officer will then decide whether or not i can stay and continue my studies.if it's not too much to ask for,please pray that everything will be just allright for me.

well, i've always said that doing medicine is not what i want but rather i was just trying to please my father.however when things happen this way i find myself realising that i really want to be a's true that when u start to lose something then you will realise how worthy it was in ur life.just because u have it easy does not mean you have to take things for granted-quoted (:

i hope i will appreaciate what i have more in the future